


That’s why Skywalker hair is so big; it’s full of secrets

by radioactivesaltghoul



Series: AU Rabbit Hole 'verse [3]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack, au rabbit hole 'verse: lovers, does this mean i'm going to do it again anyway? you betcha, has this been done before? probably, i mean you could probably claim that all of the PT and OT characters are characters in this, this is horrendously fluffy and cracky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 05:37:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15923984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radioactivesaltghoul/pseuds/radioactivesaltghoul
Summary: Rey and Ben get a history lesson about the saga of the Skywalker family, thanks to the help of some DVDs in yet another modern AU.





	That’s why Skywalker hair is so big; it’s full of secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Friday! Have another AU Rabbit Hole 'verse drabble that's been sitting in my drafts folder for a while.
> 
> Full disclosure: I don’t hate the prequels, and I haven’t seen Clone Wars.

“What is this?” Rey said as she picked up one of the thin plastic containers. “ _Star Wars_? Why does it look like home?”

“‘Two Jedi Knights escape a hostile blockade to find allies and come across a young boy who may bring balance to the Force, but the long dormant Sith resurface to claim their old glory,’” Ben read. “What the—” He cut himself off, eyes widening as Rey showed him the cover of one of the containers. “ _Darth Vader._ How —”

Rey looked at the pile of movies. “I think it’s time for a history lesson, Ben.”

 

* * *

 

“Holy shit. Rey, that’s the Emperor before he became the Emperor.”

“Banthashit.”

“I know my history, Rey. That is _definitely_ the Emperor Palpatine.”

“But he looks so... _harmless_.”

 

* * *

 

“Tattooine is a nicer desert than Jakku.” 

“Rey. _Rey._ That’s my grandfather. That’s my grandfather as a small child.”

“I didn’t know your grandfather was a slave.”

“Neither did I.”

 

* * *

 

“How does he _not_ have a father?”

“Maybe that’s why Skywalkers are so unhinged. You guys are missing an entire branch of your family tree.”

 

* * *

 

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“I mean...wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Your grandfather is _not_ subtle.”

“I know.”

“Did you take lessons from him on how to flirt?”

“Shut up, Rey.”

 

* * *

 

“That went from zero to one hundred real fast.”

“I’ve done some bad things, but I’ve never slaughtered an entire village because they kidnapped my mother.”

“ _Some_?” 

“Okay, fine, so I actually am more like Darth Vader than I realized. I guess it skips a generation.”

 

* * *

 

“That’s so romantic.”

“Ben, he whined at her for half of the movie, and then she waited until they were about to die before deciding that she was into it.”

“Didn’t we do that?”

“...Fair point.”

 

* * *

 

“How did Anakin not pick up on the fact that Palpatine is evil after he told him to decapitate Dooku?”

“The Dark Side is very seductive.”

“Gross, Ben.”

 

* * *

 

“Stars, your grandfather was so _extra._ ”

“Are you saying _you_ could live if I died?”

“Please don’t make me ever find out.”

“All I’m saying is, that’s a perfectly reasonable reaction to have to dreams of one’s pregnant wife dying in childbirth.”

“I will come back from the dead and kill you if you go full Dark Side if I die.”

“At least then we’d be together again.”

“ _Ben._ That’s not the point.”

 

* * *

 

“I think your grandfather was in love with his mentor.”

“He was _married_. To my grandmother.”

“You can be in love with two people at once.”

“...Are you speaking from experience?”

“No, you idiot. How many times do I have to say it? There’s no one else for me but you, as much as it sometimes pains me to say it.”

“You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”

 

* * *

 

“...”

“Was watching the birth of Darth Vader everything you ever thought it would be?”

“You know, I think Obi-Wan was in love with him, too.”

“He just called him his brother.”

“Okay, so maybe not.”

 

* * *

 

“My grandmother loved my grandfather so much that it literally killed her when he went to the Dark Side. That’s so romantic.”

“I don’t think you’re reading that right, Ben.”

 

* * *

 

“Were you...named after Obi-Wan?”

“You know, there was a theory that he was your grandfather at one point.”

“Why would his kid downgrade from Tattooine to Jakku?”

“Would you rather have grown up in Hutt territory?”

“Good point.”

 

* * *

 

“Ben. I think your uncle had a crush on your mother.”

“This isn’t _Game of Thrones_ , Rey.”

 

* * *

 

“With all of his Force-sensitivity, Darth Vader didn’t recognize that Leia was his own daughter?” 

“You know, that’s a very good question.”

 

* * *

 

“Wow, your mother was more useful at her rescue than—did they just end up in a _trash compactor_?”

“You were saying?”

 

* * *

 

“Having to escape a dying superweapon looks just as stressful on screen as it was in real life.”

 

* * *

 

“Did Leia just—”

“Please Jedi mind-trick me into forgetting I ever saw that.”

“I _told_ you Luke had a crush on your mother.”

“See, this is why I was so relieved when I found out that your parents were—”

“ _Don’t_ bring that up again...but yeah, that was a relief.”

 

* * *

 

“Did C-3PO just cockblock my parents?”

“Solos are just as bad at flirting as Skywalkers.”

“I won you over in the end, didn’t I?”

“I never said I wasn’t into it.”

 

* * *

 

“That _kriffing_ hypocritical piece of banthashit!”

“Ben.”

“How _dare_ he act like he’d never been tempted by the Dark Side!”

“It happens to the best of us.”

“ _What_?”

“Shut up and watch the movie.”

 

* * *

 

“...Did you know about this?”

“That my father was frozen in carbonite and my mother had to go rescue him? Yes.”

“No, the fact that she told him she loved him and all he said was ‘I know.’ Dick move.”

“ _I_ would never do that to you.”

“I know.”

 

* * *

 

“Again: Skywalkers are _so_ —” 

“Extra, I know. You’ve said.”

“Darth Vader waited until he’d _cut off his son’s hand_ to tell him that he was his father.”

“Losing limbs is a tradition in my family.”

“I hope you never lose a hand.”

“That’s only because you like it when I do _this_ —”

“...We should probably pause the movie if you’re going to keep— _kriff_ , Ben, don’t stop—”

 

* * *

 

“Remember when you said that Tattooine was less of a shithole than Jakku?” 

“Okay, fine, you’re right. I’m glad I didn’t grow up in Hutt territory.”

 

* * *

 

“Kriffing hell, I can’t look, this is even worse than watching my uncle kiss my mother.”

“Why a metal bikini, though?”

 

* * *

 

“Your mother is a _kriffing badass._ She just strangled a _Hutt._ ”

“Did she? I couldn’t watch because of that kriffing _metal bikini_.”

 

* * *

 

“On a scale of one to ‘willingly jumping in a sarlacc pit,’ how uncomfortable do you think Luke was when he realized that he’d kissed his sister?”

“Can we _stop_ Game of Thrones-ing my family?”

 

* * *

 

“Damn, Ewoks are _fierce._ ”

“You have no idea.”

 

* * *

 

“ _How could he?_ ”

“Ben, we talked about this. We know that Luke fucked-up. _Luke_ knows that Luke fucked-up.”

“He could forgive his _father_ , who he didn’t even _know_ , but _stars forbid_ I have just a _couple_ of dark thoughts and I lose my ability to ever sleep peacefully again! Come on, you’ve slept with me. How menacing can I _possibly_ look while I’m asleep?”

“Pretty menacing, actually.”

“Kriff off, Rey.”

 

* * *

 

“Snoke’s death was more satisfying than Palpatine’s.” 

“You didn’t even _see_ it. You were too busy staring at me.”

“Yeah, because I thought you were going to _kill_ me!”

“Well _obviously_ you read that situation completely wrong.”

“You didn’t do a kriffing thing while Snoke was torturing me, and then next thing I know, you’re standing over me holding a lightsaber. What was I _supposed_ to think?”

“I was trying to go incognito. Snoke could read my mind!”

 

* * *

 

Ben hit _stop_ as the closing credits starting to run on _Return of the Jedi._ “That was…” 

“Educational?” said Rey, reading the back of the DVD cover.

“That’s one way to put it,” he said. “I had no idea my family was so full of secrets.”

“And yet, we didn’t learn the most important one of all.” She was trying (and failing) to hold back a grin.

Ben had no idea what she was talking about. “Which is?” he asked.

“How do you guys _never_ have helmet hair?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> y'all can find me on [tumblr](https://radioactivesaltghoul.tumblr.com/) and if you're into the whole "what happens if you stick canon Rey and Kylo in a bunch of AUs?" thing, check out the rest of this series.


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